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In my job and lately, in my personal life - I FUCK.
In my mind, there is no way possible to make love to a stranger. Even with a regular partner or someone you know very well, it is my experiance, that it is mostly a physical thing. A FUCK. Maybe a FUCK with a special someone that you love. BUT- yesterday my fuck buddy and I did not fuck.
WE MADE LOVE!
For the first time since I can remember, I had an encounter that words cannot describe. I can't do this blog entry or that magical few hours justice by trying to tell you what it was all about. I can however, tell you that at this very moment, I feel like a new women. Christians talk about being "born again". I think I have been re-born if that makes any sense. I feel happy for the first time in a long long time. I was looking in the mirror and I litterally have a glow. The physical sensation from 12 hours ago is still alive in my entire body!
Now, I don't know what made yesterday's "session" different. It started out the same with the same guy doing the same sexy things. I was ultra turned on as he has this little thing he does that gets me going every time! Maybe it was the way he has been looking into my eyes and telling me he loves me, or the way he has been treating me so special and all the little things he has been doing outside the bedroom for me recently? I am not sure what happened, but IT happened. It's funny - they claim only half of all women have ever had an orgasm. I am lucky to be in the half that knows what that feels like and I have to have it at least one time a day. (I have a big sex drive for a female- I am actually in my sexual prime due to my age.) But you would think I just had my first or something! I don't know what the hell is going on but I am still floating on a cloud and I feel different. Every aspect of my being-mind, body and soul is changed! INCREDIBLE!
But, now he is on his way and I am sitting here typing away and wondering- how do we top that one? (Yes - females have performance anxiety too!) What if the next time is just ordinary-which is great as well but, what are his expectations? What if, what if, what if......
And the real kicker - I am sure beyond a shadow of a doubt, I am in love with this man and that means I am vulnerable to him. Fuck, shit, damn, hell! This one can actually break my heart! Oh God what have I done- I had vowed to never ever let myself get to this place. (truth be known- I have never gone this far with my heart- ever!)
FUCK - FUCK - FUCK no wait - LOVE - LOVE - LOVE!!!