Monday, September 17, 2007

Letters from Me...


A very close buddy of mine suggested I write a letter as a therapeutic intervention. So, I am blogging it cuz it is me who needs some good ol' fashioned letting go and letting God! Now I am supposed to be writing to my kid but, I am taking it just a step further cuz I just gotta get some shit off of my chest...
Letter #1-
Hey Boo, I really really miss you. This is the longest we have ever been apart. Don't you miss me and the Gramster? What about home and the kitty's and C and C? My b-day is coming up and it's almost time to put up the Halloween decos. Me and Will were going thru all that shit last week. He was tripping on all the stuff we have. Will said "You guys got enough for your own haunted house- yaaa yaa ya man!" Then he goes " you must have been such a cool Mom- so fun and cool - like the Mom everybody always wanted - yaaa yaa ya man!" But as I continue to sort and trash and pack I can not help but notice- you took nothing that I gave you for the last few years. NOTHING- all the trinket and gifts are left behind. It is as if you want no memory of us? It is so hard- the place is really fucked up but that is not your fault- it's mine. I am sorry, but then on the other hand - you really did not have it that bad and you need to stop acting like a little bitch to me. I have feelings to ya know. I disliked and disrespected Gramster for a spell when I was around 15, but I was not near as spiteful as you. It is like a knife in the heart - a pain like no other. Don't you see you are setting the pace for our future? Fucking stop it and grow the fuck up. Cum on, stop being pissed at the world and stop torturing me! Don't you know I love you so much and I miss the fuck out of you little girl! My little Boo Girl...You will always be my little Boo Girl....

Letter # 2 -
Richard, why don't you just let me go. Again I feel tortured. I see you regressing and you really scared me the other day. Plus, I am so very angry with you as you have done it again... Just when I need you the most, you have failed me. I am tired of suffering. Suffering is bad enough but to suffer alone is torment. Fuck you! You are abusive and I can and I am doing so much better. Too bad he can't be here with me thru this long lonely night, so I continue to write...

Letter # 3 -
Will- sorry I got mad at you tonight. I guess I was a little disappointed when I walked in and sometimes I wonder about how much sense you got left. ( I know we fried a lot of cells over the years but fuck man!) I would love to know what goes thru your mind sometimes-cuz you blow mine! I don't want to sever our relationship bud, but man - you are driving me fucking nuts! Get it together and start being a friend, It's like any relationship - give and take. I feel like I am the one doing all the giving. I need some take sometimes too - don't you guys see that? Do you guys even give a fuck? ? ?

Letter # 4-
A positive letter for the positive one in my life, (you know who you are.)
Wheeew, I hope all this blogging does some good. You know how passive - aggressive I am. I mean I should really be talking to these guys face to face, but for some reason, I turn the other cheek and my blood begins to boil. Then you gotta hear about it- deal with it and clean up the mess on top of it! I thank my lucky Arizona September Night Stars above for you being in my life. Would you like to step out on the patio and have a beer with me?

Some things NEVER change

Things like people and their behaviors. I have lost hope...

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

OMG, my house should be condemned!


Now that I have acquired a state of the art climate controlled secure storage unit, tonight I started going through shit at the house. Sorting and packing and trashing. I can not stop sneezing from the dust and dirt. What a job - as if I do not have enough going on. And, lets not forget the memories. Some happy and some sad. My old kitty . Will thinks something is wrong with her. It is very strange whenever I would go there - it was like I had died. All of my stuff sat there collecting dust and the old kitty meowed but I was not around- its as if I was a ghost. Its so hard - but it must be done. A friend pointed out to me - its time to move on. I am actually looking forward to the next stage of my life. I am an official empty nester. It was weird as hell at first, but now I am enjoying the quiet and peace. (My kid was very popular and she also liked to party - so I had every frigging teenager in town trashing my house at some point in the last few years!Oh yeah!!) I found mementos from a psychotic ex and from grandma who passed on almost 2 years ago. I also found my other granmoms silver and a super sexy pirate costume that I forgot about! Yeah- this is going to be real real interesting to say the least.....

Monday, September 10, 2007

Relationship 101

That is the class I need. You see I know a lot about guys and what makes them tick- If you need man advice ask - DEAR Brittney! But when it comes to my own - it seems all I do is fuck up. Weird huh? Case in point -

This a.m., I was a real CUNT - yes CUNT, to my S.O. Now, he will not speak to me. It pretty much sucks and I am not sure what to do???

So, I guess I will "feel the energy" and wait it out. I made the 1st - I am sorry move, so hopefully he will make the - I forgive you move, and I can learn from this....

Sunday, September 9, 2007

NOT AGAIN!


UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE! Another car accident- WTF? This time in my car but hey- not my fault! My neighbors were backing out of the garage as I was driving down the street. Ya u guessed it. The side of my car is all caved in- did not fair so well against the seemingly impaired lady in the big SUV. My poor back. The car is a pos and now its a pos with a passenger side door that wont open. This time NO JAIL! I did not want to get into that. I can't deal with a trip to the slam right now so, I guess one more dent wont hurt and hey- my back is fucked deluxe anyways! That lady hit the right person and it's her lucky day!

Saturday, September 8, 2007

The Az. Fetish Queen


My new name. It's given to me by a favorite client that used it in a header on an ad. The title is a compliment and it is fast being used in the Fetish community. Goddess. I recently started offering Tantric massages. Worship Goddess Brittney. Pay tribute to Goddess Brittney. And the other day a client went on and on about his obsession with me. A true fan. Now all of this is really flattering but it's hard dealing with fame. I kinda have a cult following on the net where I am like a big time movie star or some other famous celebrity. Don't get me wrong - I love it. But, I am not really sure how to deal with it. When I go out in public, I get recognized more and more. I always get really shy. That is probably not good. I have a friend that is kinda famous in his own right. Not long ago I went to him and asked how he dealt with fame- his response was - "I just deal with it." ... Ok now what do I do?????????

Thursday, September 6, 2007

www.schoolgirlbrittney.com



God, I am so overwhelmed. I decided to do my next website myself. I am far from being a webmaster so you can just imagine! But the satisfaction of doing it on my own is so great! It has done wonders for my self-esteem an looks pretty damn good too! I am going to publish it to the web this weekend-even if I am not done. I have had a lot of people inquire about it and things are going to get super busy with my move at the end of the month. So as Nike says = I might as well
just do it.

Saturday, September 1, 2007


My buddy was just over. He had his kid with him. The cutest lil' towhead. It took me back in time. A time when things were so much simpler. I remember when she was that age- a 5 year kindergartner. It was October and for Halloween they did a costume contest. She was so excited. Today, my daughter has major depressive disorder and is on drugs, so it is seldom I see her smile. Hell, I seldom even see her at all. Anyways, we went shopping and she picked her outfit for the big event. This was the 1st Halloween I did not dress her. In fact, this was a year of many firsts. It's so fun to watch them grow. It is true - they are all grown up and gone in a blink of an eye. So there she was - Barbie Bride. She was so pretty. I remember she did not brush her platinum blonde long hair so well. (Today, hundreds of dollars are spent on the do and she is meticulous when it comes to "the hair".) So, there she was in her long white gown and matching veil looking ever so stunning, even with her stringy hair hanging down in her face. (She had bangs back then.) Everybody thinks their kid is the prettiest or has the best costume or whatever-right? Well- MINE WAS and she did win the prize for Best Female Kindergarten Costume. She was so happy and so proud as was her mother. I wish I would have relished in those times more. I miss them so...