Sayings I like...

You laugh at me because I’m different, I laugh at you because you’re all the same. - Unknown

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem

My Reality Check bounced

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned

But Your Honor.......

I promised someone I go to bed early and 11:55p.m. is very early for me-but a real fast entry to say I am going to my arraignment in am-wish me luck! Thanks everybody for your love and support!!!

Nervous Breakdown ???

Well it's almost 8 p.m. and I just got off the phone. Turned down an offer to see a really kick-ass concert on him. At the same time I sent a text to MM telling him I could not see him later as I have clients and I need the money. All of this as I was showing Big Mike out the door. I can usually do about 20 things at once but I am so stressed over everything lately that I can not seem to multi-task. Like, I am having trouble focusing and my anxiety levels are running high. I am overwhelmed and so far this weekend I have accomplished nothing I set out to do. The sad thing is - I really have no idea what is wrong.I seem to be scattered and unorganized but you would think I could get at least one thing done off my very long to do list. I am plugging away at my website and I need to get over to my house and start in with that like asap! So, I may be taking a few days off from the blogs. Sorry but somethings gotta give b4 it ALL starts crashing down. I just hope its not too late.

2 hearts as 1...

Since "the incident" last Friday, I have been basically freaking out and having a lot of mixed feelings and I am kinda emotional. Now, I am no shrink but, all of this is probably normal for a traumatic event.
As shitty as Friday August 17th was - I would do it all over again to get to the end result. What is that you ask? Well, let me tell you all about it....
The entire chain of events that fucked up Friday, has led to a new trust in a higher power. Several years ago I was a very spiritual person. I enjoyed daily prayer and meditation and fellowship with my higher power-my vision of what some call God. I was still a little ball o stress, but I was much more at peace. In the last few days I have been able to get a little of that back.
I also have been able to let go and trust in my MM 100%. No holding feelings back out of fear of the possibilities of the potential pain that a serious relationship with a man can bring about. Since I have let go of pain from the past that I have endured from other men and letting my MM in my heart with no walls keeping him out, I have felt a closeness to him that I thought was not ever going to be possible with anybody. I can't explain it, but this a.m. when we made love- it was so incredible. It was that cool feeling when two become as one. So together and so in synch. It's a special connection that can only be felt with that special someone. I want to take this time to thank the 2 special someones in my life and dedicate this entire blog and all entries on it to them.

So without further ado, Thank you to my higher power and to my MM for everything. God is good, life is good and I love, love...

When I told the officer that the whole scene was a déjà vu out of a dream-, he looked at me like I was crazy. Then he started in again with questions. He became very agitated with me when I informed him I had a friend and lawyer on the way from Phoenix. That was nothing compared to his anger when I refused a uds. I told him I had passed the field tests and since there was no DRE (drug recognition expert) available, I felt he was harassing me. I was done playing. I told him over and over, I was not drunk or high and that I was suffering anxiety and why I was having an attack. But this guy had a hard-on for the DUI. BTW-Hi officer! When he was inventorying my purse contents, he saw my cards and asked if the were my biz cards and then he smirked when I replied yes. I then said, why don’t you look me up on the net and see who you are arresting. He rolled his eyes and gave me the –you are crazy look. Am I so crazy now officer? I also told you I’d be out within hours - huh. Anyways, I was strip searched and put in a special observation cell. I had told them I was kinda famous and I knew some important folks that would not have me stay the night in their facility. The staff thought I was delusional. If there is one thing I have learned- it is never try to argue or fight with the police or guards- you will never win even if you are 100 % in the right. Now, all I wanted was to call MM. I wanted to hear his voice more then anything I had ever wanted. I longed for him and cried out his name. An officer tried to call him 2 times for me. He used the opportunity to preach God to me, and I did agree with what he said. Then I was transferred to my new cell with a new roommate. She used a garden hoe to beat a man to a pulp. She seemed to like me and she even stated I looked familiar to her and she thought she knew me. (I have a strong Internet presence and sometimes when people see me –they are just remembering seeing me off the net in their subconscious minds and just can’t seem to place me.) All of the gals in E pod were basically man haters and were attempting to convince me that MM was denying and blocking my many collect calls to him. I felt abandoned and so alone. It is a horrid way to feel. When the gals returned to the pod from AA, I decided to try just one last time and OMG- MM picked up. I was so happy and relief came over me. He said he was on his way and had the three grand cash to bond me out! I had some hope for the first time since they brought me in on bogus charges. Then it hit me- he was putting it all on the line for me. His wife, job, sanity, finances, everything. FOR ME! SOMEBODY ACTUALLY REALLY CARED! What a feeling! OMG! I went from one extreme to the other. From total alone to having a special someone that had my back when the shit was deep. He was not even mad about the car! Now, earlier in the day, Big Mike made the trip up and attempted a bond out but 3 g’s is a lot and he ended up going back with out me. But the fact he came and came fast was cool. He even helped chip in 500 of the bond money-THANKS MIKE. Between the two of them-, my faith in all men has been restored. I also trust my MM 100 %. This is a huge deal like you just don’t know. I ended up falling asleep on the top bunk for what I thought was a several hours but only two. Them a guard came to the cell door and told me to “get your ass up, somebody just paid a lot of money to get you out of here. Move it!” I did not argue and rolled up. One thing that still bugs me is they made me trash a workbook type thing that I had been writing notes to MM in all day. I feel like they stole my thoughts and feelings. Damn. Then they returned property and I changed out. They sent me packing- “have fun as they threw me out into the dark Arizona desert. MM was still in the front lobby. I called him on the cell. He came out into the parking lot with a red rose in hand. Do u fucking believe it. He is sooo sweet. (That red rose is on my desk and it is very symbolistic to me so it will remain where it is 4ever!) I was so happy and we hugged. He had brought Cherry coke, candy, and all of my favs. Usually I crave soda and ciggy’s when I get out- this time I craved MM. We drove my p.o.s. car back to my incall and we talked about some serious stuff till 5a.m.. Thank god I have him in my life.

Now my arraignment is soon and I need a lawyer, as the charge is at least a 10-day sentence. I do think I can beat it as I was not impaired and they fucked up on a lot of shit. But until then- I guess I got a few things out of this ordeal, I can share with you.

1. I did not realize I was OK with dying-no fear when it came down to it.

2. MM really loves me.

3. I have an appreciation for some things I was bitching about like, the San Diego trip.

4. I have a special someone that cares and is willing to put himself in harms way-take that bullet for me without any hesitation. What an incredible feeling!!!

5. In addition, I really have to make some changes and make some better choices b4 I die too soon........

My Dream came true. See blog entry of August 04.

Yesterday morning I was to meet with a client ½ way between Phoenix and Flag. I had a flat and I barrowed MM’s car.
I was very tired. I had not got much sleep the previous night. (The usual Anxiety and Insomnia.) Just outside of Phoenix, I nodded off. The car started to veer off the highway into the median. The noise woke me and I was able to get the vehicle back on the road. But, I guess I over-corrected. Lucky for me – no others cars were near. I skidded across 3 lanes and went down the embankment on the other side of the highway. The car was spinning out of control as objects were flying around the backseat area. It was like time was in slow motion I thought I was going to die as gravity was pushing and pulling my body. As the Toyota continued to spin in circles taking out bushes and trees. I hit a rather large tree and as I held on tight to the steering wheel- I said “this is it.” I was actually ok with dying. I just wanted it to be fast and I was bummed that it was going to be in the drivers seat of MM’s car. Then the car stopped and it was like time was normal again. I smelled smoke and I knew I needed to get out of the car. Only 1 passer by –an off duty firefighter-stopped. He called for help. I was freaking out and had a big time anxiety attack. But I was ok. The Toyota did not fair so well. My 1^st instinct was to run off as I did not want to deal and my anxiety was taking me over. One of the things I learned in counseling was to remove myself from the anxiety producing situation. I started making calls and my client I was to rendezvous with told me –leaving the scene of an accident was not a good idea. Even though I was tripping out I listened and my next call was to MM. I told him to sit down. He was in a state of shock. He said he had a meeting and had to go. I was hurt cuz he did not even ask if I was ok. Did he not realize the seriousness of the words I was telling him? Anxiety levels jump and the Highway Patrol officer was standing on the road above me. He asked me questions and quickly came to the conclusion I was impaired. I tried to tell him this was not the case and I was having a full blown anxiety attack. I was arrested and placed in the back of a patrol car. It was at least 110 out and I was sweltering. I passed the field sobriety tests but he was concerned cuz my eyes were fluttering. (My sheer panic, tears, mascara, the flying nats, hot sun and dust in the wind would make it impossible to not squint and omg yes –my eyes were fluttering. So, I was taken to jail, arrested and locked behind bars. Now the interesting thing is, I was surrounded by concrete and he was quick to announce that I was DUI. All the men in the jail looked at me in disgust. Then the fire alarms went off. They were working on the entire fire system in the jail. The alarms were so loud I had to cover my ears. Doors slammed shut and I felt like a trapped rat. Does this sound familiar? Weird huh. I have to end here but tomorrow I will finish this story- it truly has an unbelievable ending In the meantime –what do u think about my little dream….

I'm Back

And so is the hot pink font! Yeah!
Ok Clarification time. My girl had the money the whole time. She somehow missplaced the money and was a little on the paranoid side. They both apologized to me but it still hurt knowing the fact she thought I stole from her. She denies this. ..
I flew back to Phoenix this evening - hot on my lovers heels. We then played a game of airport hide n go seek (he found me and I think all is well.)
I guess I did not do too bad- the entire trip is paid for (could be way WAY worse!)
Oh, I saw my 1pm and it felt good as I did what I said I was gonna do. (this always takes folks by surprise when a working girl is a working women of her word!)
I got Wendy 1/2 way paid off. (Hey- I just noticed - no emotioncons on blogger-huh).
Now I just need A VACATION FROM MY VACATION! So much to do and I am major overwhelmed! I also feel like my life once again has changed. (my kid moved out and I have other stressors!)
They say a good cum works well for this type of thing. (see ya in the am!)

ok Dude-here it is in a nutshell.....

The room I am sitting in is all white. The breeze coming off the ocean is blowing the sheer cotton curtains and I hear birds outside. The locals tell us that ithas never been this humid here. The room I am sitting in is a condo off the beach. I am already sweating and my hair is starting to frizz. I am on the floor and black mascara and tears are streaming down my face. It's surreal. I feel like I am in a movie or a dream. Actually, a nightmare would be a more accurate description. This trip is nothing like I had hoped or imagined it would be. I have been in San Diego for 6 days now. My purpose for traveling here was too make bank. I am behind in bills and this was a last ditch effort to re-coup. However, since I have been here, the money I made passed right thru my hands. The high cost of living here in Cali and some bad choices on my part have lead to me basically getting stuck here. Now. I could have left here a few days ago, but I promised a client that I don't even know, I would see him today at 1pm. I pride myself on honesty and integrity and being a women of my word. This man so desperately wants to meet me and I promised him I would not leave unless a natural disaster or a major catastrophe took place. So, in the last 24 hours, I had clients jerk me around in every way, shape and form. I was no longer able to stay in my kick ass hotel with the view of the marina. (That was the only thing keeping me sane.) I never went to the beach or even snapped 1 single pic. (I don't think I want to remember this shit anyways.) My lover that flew in on business on Sunday just got off the phone with me. We have broke up. (Were we ever really together-he is a married man...) My best friends boyfriend set me up last nite. He made it look like I stole money from her. (I would never in a million years do that!) I did not have the cash to bail out and get a room when this all went down. After my 1pm - I will be able to get a ride to the airport and take a flight back to Phoenix. So, I feel very very uncomfortable being here and my heart is broken. I think about the visions I had in my mind before I came here. The images of my lover and myself holding hands on the beach at sunset and then my big fantasy coming true. (From here to eternity.) Then I look over at myself in the mirrored closet doors and I burst into tears.

I will be home this afternoon-can somebody pick me up from Sky harbor?

Alone again without you...

Is it my imagination or is this color font not hot pink???? Well it is a beautiful night in Southern Cal. and here I sit in this awesome room with a romantic feel. I am looking out onto the harbor and the lights shinning off the water are so awesome. But 1 thing is amiss. I would trade it all in a heart beat to have the missing link in my San Diego chain. I was so at peace and relaxed just a short time ago, but the longer I sit and take in the stunning beauty of the marina-the more anxiety I feel. Tonight if you are lucky enough to be next to your special someone-no matter where you are or what you are doing-well, you are so very fortunate. Don't take it for granted - savor every sweet second and say a prayer to whomever you pray to giving thanks. I'm going to ease my pain now. Goodnight San Diego......

I can so relate...

In the brightest hour of my darkest day
I realized what is wrong with me
Can't get over you. can't get through to you
It's been a helter-skelter romance from the start
Take these memories that are haunting me
Of a paper woman cut into shreds by her own pair of scissors
She'll never forgive him...she'll never forgive him...
Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever
Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever
Sitting by a fire on a lonely night
Hanging over from another good time
With another boy... little dirty boy
You should listen to this story of a life
You're my hero-in this moment i'm lonely fulfilling my darkest dreams
All these drugs all these men

I'm never forgiven..this broken heart of mine
Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever
Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever
One last kiss before i go
Dry your tears, it is time to let you go
One last kiss
One last kiss before i go
Dry your tears, it is time to let you go
Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever
Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever
One last kiss before i go
Dry your tears, it is time to let you go
One last kiss before i go
Dry your tears, it is time to let you go
One last kiss

Untitled...

In my job and lately, in my personal life - I FUCK.
In my mind, there is no way possible to make love to a stranger. Even with a regular partner or someone you know very well, it is my experiance, that it is mostly a physical thing. A FUCK. Maybe a FUCK with a special someone that you love. BUT- yesterday my fuck buddy and I did not fuck.
WE MADE LOVE!
For the first time since I can remember, I had an encounter that words cannot describe. I can't do this blog entry or that magical few hours justice by trying to tell you what it was all about. I can however, tell you that at this very moment, I feel like a new women. Christians talk about being "born again". I think I have been re-born if that makes any sense. I feel happy for the first time in a long long time. I was looking in the mirror and I litterally have a glow. The physical sensation from 12 hours ago is still alive in my entire body!
Now, I don't know what made yesterday's "session" different. It started out the same with the same guy doing the same sexy things. I was ultra turned on as he has this little thing he does that gets me going every time! Maybe it was the way he has been looking into my eyes and telling me he loves me, or the way he has been treating me so special and all the little things he has been doing outside the bedroom for me recently? I am not sure what happened, but IT happened. It's funny - they claim only half of all women have ever had an orgasm. I am lucky to be in the half that knows what that feels like and I have to have it at least one time a day. (I have a big sex drive for a female- I am actually in my sexual prime due to my age.) But you would think I just had my first or something! I don't know what the hell is going on but I am still floating on a cloud and I feel different. Every aspect of my being-mind, body and soul is changed! INCREDIBLE!
But, now he is on his way and I am sitting here typing away and wondering- how do we top that one? (Yes - females have performance anxiety too!) What if the next time is just ordinary-which is great as well but, what are his expectations? What if, what if, what if......
And the real kicker - I am sure beyond a shadow of a doubt, I am in love with this man and that means I am vulnerable to him. Fuck, shit, damn, hell! This one can actually break my heart! Oh God what have I done- I had vowed to never ever let myself get to this place. (truth be known- I have never gone this far with my heart- ever!)
FUCK - FUCK - FUCK no wait - LOVE - LOVE - LOVE!!!

Dream a little Dream....

I had a dream. In my Dream I was dreaming. I was in a bed in the middle of a big room. The kitty Kats were on the bed with me. It was an institution, perhaps a military instillation or a prison. Concrete walls and on the upper tear, men marched by single file. They peered thru a small window looking down on me. One by one, they violated me with their eyes. You walked by but looked at me in disgust. You kept walking.... I ran out thru the same corridor but you had vanished. I was chasing after a ghost. I was so scared. I screamed out your name over and over. I called out "help me- oh God please!" I ran down another hallway frantic. My search leads to no avail and I am now lost in a maze. I feel as if many are observing me, but I see no one. Then - a loud buzzing alarm and doors start slamming shut all around me. I must cover my ears as the noise is deafening. I am trapped. Trapped like a rat. It is a dream that I cannot wake from. I am in a semi-conscience state, trying like hell to wake! The more aroused I become -I feel myself thrashing about the bed and yelling out. I wake and my heart hurts. I sit up fast grabbing my chest and look around reality. My kittens are all snugs on the bed. You are not here in reality either. I get up and fight the sandman. I ponder what this all means........

Sleepers anyone?

OK- yesterday's entry by "FiFi" should have gone on the 360 blog. I forgot -this blog is for the deep stuff! Really sorry. So tonite as you can see by my post time, I have insomnia. I also think I have IBS. Fucking Really-No shit (no pun intended). What else, well- my mind is kinda all over the map tonite. Wendy, my house and kid, MM, California, money or lack of, Richard who is a breath away from returning to jail, omg I have to go. I have to get ready for a client. Yes at 2a.m. I am too scattered to do this anyways. I will post another entry if I can get it together mentally and focus on at least 1 or 2 things. lol Thanks for understanding .