thanks for reading....

Hi everybody, for the time being I am discontinuing this blog. I am going to start a new blog on www.phxasp.com -hopefully that will feed to my websites and Yahoo 360. (I will keep jotting my thought s on my yahoo 360 blog as well) Sorry 4 inconvenience. Thanks for reading this blog and u never know when it will get going again- see ya in the blogosphere!

Do u hve the answers???

Sometimes life is so unfair. Fuck - it is down right cruel. So I question, God, mankind, science, technology, lady luck, karma, the cards, genetics and my family tree. I also question, reality, philosiphy, my mental state and my spirital state of being. Hhhh, Questioning the senses, great works of literature, and the word on the street too. I QUESTION...

my buddy

MM has been away on biz. I am his tripping wife, but I could not go this time. I miss him so much. He is my last thought when I close my eyes and drift off into dreamland. He is always the 1st thing that pops into my mind when I wake. My days are consumed with him. Every passing second of every hour of every day is MM. He is my best friend and the only person I trust 100% besides my Mom. I am lost without him. This trip is weird cuz he is so far away and very busy. With all these high tech ways of communications - I have only heard the sound of his voice a few times I am starting to get sick. Its kinda like being homesick. I know I got it bad 4 him. The last few weeks I have gotten very close emotionally n now it's like he has died or something. I do feel like I lost my best friend. I am hanging on and he should return 2day. It scares me how attached I have become and this one could really fuck me up in my head and break my heart. God I hope things work out for us. Anyways I guess as Garth B says - sometimes you gotta feel a lil pain to enjoy the dance.

Blast from the past

Wow- so much change in my life and all at once. I hate to sound cliche' but when it rains it pours.
Now I am sitting at this computer on a fine and glorious Saturday afternoon and my mind is one big cluster fuck of like 20 or so racing thoughts- so here is a Brittney's Blast from the past (that's an old blog entry yahoo deleted). So since I can't keep a fucking train of thought-

Entry for November 15, 2006

You

I love your hugs. I don't want to let go. The other nite you made me feel something inside that I forgot even existed. "That" feeling. You know the one. Warm and Tingly inside. Mouth watering, all the hairs on my head standing on end. Heart racing, (no - this is not an anxiety attack)! Better then ANY drug, (do u believe I am saying that)? But just like a drug - "that" feeling comes to an end. You have to leave and I pull away just wanting to scream! I can't look at you as it now is very painful inside. I turn as you pull my front door closed behind you. I can't help but notice you didn't look at me either. I just sit and finish cuming down from u. I think about how far you are on the freeway home and when will I get to feel your touch, smell you, hear your voice???

I dream about you and try not to call you. But I break down and dial the #. VM. I watch the time tick by slowly until its "our time" and then I start to feel "that" feeling again..............

hey schoolgirl!

Its not done yet-but take a sneak peak-www.schoolgirlbrittney.com

pretty women?

MY depression is getting worse day by day. I have been waiting for Richard (not my Richard) 2 cum rescue me. He is here but I don't understand what is taking him so long. I know this is not like the movies but shit! What are u waiting for - take me away! I am not going to last too much longer. Something has gotta give. Please Baby, plz.

I feel like I am regressing. I am supposed to be taking baby steps 4ward not leaps n bounds backwards. I am not too upset cuz I have learned to never have expectations. That way it's not as bad when shit turns to shit. I am becoming more depressed so sorry if this is on the negative side. Hey - at least I am back on my fav. computer. (Trying to be positive.)
Anyways - MM said to make this list,
Why I think I am regressing-
1.bad luck
2.people fucking me over
3.caught in a vicious cycle
4.me not pushing hard enough - letting others influence me
5.making bad moves with finances.
OK honey - here is your list. What do u think... (be nice)

Baby cum home

Baby- my mama kitty ran way yesterday.
Maybe she is making her way to Richard as she likes
him the best ( he saved her and I think she knows it.)
I will go up to the pound a little later.

CC-my baby, told me a few days ago -everything is cool. Yesterday she called and sounded upset. I just wish she would cum home where she belongs...

MM- finally returning late today- I missed you so Baby!

well 1/3 ain't bad...

Feel the Energy!

Addendum-
my "putrid day" did not go down the drain-my drain has a serious clog so my day did NOT wash away! Oh No- it pooled up around my ankles as the Playboy bunny on the shower curtain just looked at me with a blank expression on its face. So much for fucking Energy...
BUT WAIT-
The next a.m. I went to court. MM called it right on the head! I swear he has a crystal ball. CASE DISMISSED! Wow ! Turns out they had no evidence (doh- I was not DUI-just having a panic attack like I told them over and over again that day.) And the cop really fucked up on a lot of shit. Like I said- he had a big hard-on to get me behind bars! So it seems to me, he was slightly overzealous and made mistake after mistake. So I did not even have to enter the court room!
Now that's some fucking energy!

down the drain. . .

I smell real bad. Have you ever smelled death? It is a very distinct odor. Very Foul. I wore death today instead of the usual flowery feminine scent . I made a pretty damn fucking good attempt to save a kitty that was in a hit and run. When I picked up his limp bloody body, that smell got on me along with other assorted body fluids. Then try adding some sweat and tears as I moved from one storage to another during the heat of the hot Arizona day due to the fuck ups of others. A virtual potpourri of aroma topped off by the ever popular - ode DE la house that should be condemned! What a fucking fragrance. So I am oh so ready to jump in the shower and wash the putrid day away. But - the shower is so fucking disgusting! OMG! What the fuck happened here??? But instead of more tears I have been given some + energy Baby and it is time to buck up. I am going to take pleasure and pride as this day goes down the drain and leaves a brand new me to sparkle and shine!

Letters from Me...

A very close buddy of mine suggested I write a letter as a therapeutic intervention. So, I am blogging it cuz it is me who needs some good ol' fashioned letting go and letting God! Now I am supposed to be writing to my kid but, I am taking it just a step further cuz I just gotta get some shit off of my chest...
Letter #1-
Hey Boo, I really really miss you. This is the longest we have ever been apart. Don't you miss me and the Gramster? What about home and the kitty's and C and C? My b-day is coming up and it's almost time to put up the Halloween decos. Me and Will were going thru all that shit last week. He was tripping on all the stuff we have. Will said "You guys got enough for your own haunted house- yaaa yaa ya man!" Then he goes " you must have been such a cool Mom- so fun and cool - like the Mom everybody always wanted - yaaa yaa ya man!" But as I continue to sort and trash and pack I can not help but notice- you took nothing that I gave you for the last few years. NOTHING- all the trinket and gifts are left behind. It is as if you want no memory of us? It is so hard- the place is really fucked up but that is not your fault- it's mine. I am sorry, but then on the other hand - you really did not have it that bad and you need to stop acting like a little bitch to me. I have feelings to ya know. I disliked and disrespected Gramster for a spell when I was around 15, but I was not near as spiteful as you. It is like a knife in the heart - a pain like no other. Don't you see you are setting the pace for our future? Fucking stop it and grow the fuck up. Cum on, stop being pissed at the world and stop torturing me! Don't you know I love you so much and I miss the fuck out of you little girl! My little Boo Girl...You will always be my little Boo Girl....

Letter # 2 -
Richard, why don't you just let me go. Again I feel tortured. I see you regressing and you really scared me the other day. Plus, I am so very angry with you as you have done it again... Just when I need you the most, you have failed me. I am tired of suffering. Suffering is bad enough but to suffer alone is torment. Fuck you! You are abusive and I can and I am doing so much better. Too bad he can't be here with me thru this long lonely night, so I continue to write...

Letter # 3 -
Will- sorry I got mad at you tonight. I guess I was a little disappointed when I walked in and sometimes I wonder about how much sense you got left. ( I know we fried a lot of cells over the years but fuck man!) I would love to know what goes thru your mind sometimes-cuz you blow mine! I don't want to sever our relationship bud, but man - you are driving me fucking nuts! Get it together and start being a friend, It's like any relationship - give and take. I feel like I am the one doing all the giving. I need some take sometimes too - don't you guys see that? Do you guys even give a fuck? ? ?

Letter # 4-
A positive letter for the positive one in my life, (you know who you are.)
Wheeew, I hope all this blogging does some good. You know how passive - aggressive I am. I mean I should really be talking to these guys face to face, but for some reason, I turn the other cheek and my blood begins to boil. Then you gotta hear about it- deal with it and clean up the mess on top of it! I thank my lucky Arizona September Night Stars above for you being in my life. Would you like to step out on the patio and have a beer with me?

Some things NEVER change

Things like people and their behaviors. I have lost hope...

OMG, my house should be condemned!

Now that I have acquired a state of the art climate controlled secure storage unit, tonight I started going through shit at the house. Sorting and packing and trashing. I can not stop sneezing from the dust and dirt. What a job - as if I do not have enough going on. And, lets not forget the memories. Some happy and some sad. My old kitty . Will thinks something is wrong with her. It is very strange whenever I would go there - it was like I had died. All of my stuff sat there collecting dust and the old kitty meowed but I was not around- its as if I was a ghost. Its so hard - but it must be done. A friend pointed out to me - its time to move on. I am actually looking forward to the next stage of my life. I am an official empty nester. It was weird as hell at first, but now I am enjoying the quiet and peace. (My kid was very popular and she also liked to party - so I had every frigging teenager in town trashing my house at some point in the last few years!Oh yeah!!) I found mementos from a psychotic ex and from grandma who passed on almost 2 years ago. I also found my other granmoms silver and a super sexy pirate costume that I forgot about! Yeah- this is going to be real real interesting to say the least.....

Relationship 101

That is the class I need. You see I know a lot about guys and what makes them tick- If you need man advice ask - DEAR Brittney! But when it comes to my own - it seems all I do is fuck up. Weird huh? Case in point -

This a.m., I was a real CUNT - yes CUNT, to my S.O. Now, he will not speak to me. It pretty much sucks and I am not sure what to do???

So, I guess I will "feel the energy" and wait it out. I made the 1st - I am sorry move, so hopefully he will make the - I forgive you move, and I can learn from this....

NOT AGAIN!

UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE! Another car accident- WTF? This time in my car but hey- not my fault! My neighbors were backing out of the garage as I was driving down the street. Ya u guessed it. The side of my car is all caved in- did not fair so well against the seemingly impaired lady in the big SUV. My poor back. The car is a pos and now its a pos with a passenger side door that wont open. This time NO JAIL! I did not want to get into that. I can't deal with a trip to the slam right now so, I guess one more dent wont hurt and hey- my back is fucked deluxe anyways! That lady hit the right person and it's her lucky day!

The Az. Fetish Queen

My new name. It's given to me by a favorite client that used it in a header on an ad. The title is a compliment and it is fast being used in the Fetish community. Goddess. I recently started offering Tantric massages. Worship Goddess Brittney. Pay tribute to Goddess Brittney. And the other day a client went on and on about his obsession with me. A true fan. Now all of this is really flattering but it's hard dealing with fame. I kinda have a cult following on the net where I am like a big time movie star or some other famous celebrity. Don't get me wrong - I love it. But, I am not really sure how to deal with it. When I go out in public, I get recognized more and more. I always get really shy. That is probably not good. I have a friend that is kinda famous in his own right. Not long ago I went to him and asked how he dealt with fame- his response was - "I just deal with it." ... Ok now what do I do?????????

www.schoolgirlbrittney.com

God, I am so overwhelmed. I decided to do my next website myself. I am far from being a webmaster so you can just imagine! But the satisfaction of doing it on my own is so great! It has done wonders for my self-esteem an looks pretty damn good too! I am going to publish it to the web this weekend-even if I am not done. I have had a lot of people inquire about it and things are going to get super busy with my move at the end of the month. So as Nike says = I might as well
just do it.

My buddy was just over. He had his kid with him. The cutest lil' towhead. It took me back in time. A time when things were so much simpler. I remember when she was that age- a 5 year kindergartner. It was October and for Halloween they did a costume contest. She was so excited. Today, my daughter has major depressive disorder and is on drugs, so it is seldom I see her smile. Hell, I seldom even see her at all. Anyways, we went shopping and she picked her outfit for the big event. This was the 1st Halloween I did not dress her. In fact, this was a year of many firsts. It's so fun to watch them grow. It is true - they are all grown up and gone in a blink of an eye. So there she was - Barbie Bride. She was so pretty. I remember she did not brush her platinum blonde long hair so well. (Today, hundreds of dollars are spent on the do and she is meticulous when it comes to "the hair".) So, there she was in her long white gown and matching veil looking ever so stunning, even with her stringy hair hanging down in her face. (She had bangs back then.) Everybody thinks their kid is the prettiest or has the best costume or whatever-right? Well- MINE WAS and she did win the prize for Best Female Kindergarten Costume. She was so happy and so proud as was her mother. I wish I would have relished in those times more. I miss them so...

Sayings I like...

You laugh at me because I’m different, I laugh at you because you’re all the same. - Unknown

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem

My Reality Check bounced

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned

But Your Honor.......

I promised someone I go to bed early and 11:55p.m. is very early for me-but a real fast entry to say I am going to my arraignment in am-wish me luck! Thanks everybody for your love and support!!!

Nervous Breakdown ???

Well it's almost 8 p.m. and I just got off the phone. Turned down an offer to see a really kick-ass concert on him. At the same time I sent a text to MM telling him I could not see him later as I have clients and I need the money. All of this as I was showing Big Mike out the door. I can usually do about 20 things at once but I am so stressed over everything lately that I can not seem to multi-task. Like, I am having trouble focusing and my anxiety levels are running high. I am overwhelmed and so far this weekend I have accomplished nothing I set out to do. The sad thing is - I really have no idea what is wrong.I seem to be scattered and unorganized but you would think I could get at least one thing done off my very long to do list. I am plugging away at my website and I need to get over to my house and start in with that like asap! So, I may be taking a few days off from the blogs. Sorry but somethings gotta give b4 it ALL starts crashing down. I just hope its not too late.

2 hearts as 1...

Since "the incident" last Friday, I have been basically freaking out and having a lot of mixed feelings and I am kinda emotional. Now, I am no shrink but, all of this is probably normal for a traumatic event.
As shitty as Friday August 17th was - I would do it all over again to get to the end result. What is that you ask? Well, let me tell you all about it....
The entire chain of events that fucked up Friday, has led to a new trust in a higher power. Several years ago I was a very spiritual person. I enjoyed daily prayer and meditation and fellowship with my higher power-my vision of what some call God. I was still a little ball o stress, but I was much more at peace. In the last few days I have been able to get a little of that back.
I also have been able to let go and trust in my MM 100%. No holding feelings back out of fear of the possibilities of the potential pain that a serious relationship with a man can bring about. Since I have let go of pain from the past that I have endured from other men and letting my MM in my heart with no walls keeping him out, I have felt a closeness to him that I thought was not ever going to be possible with anybody. I can't explain it, but this a.m. when we made love- it was so incredible. It was that cool feeling when two become as one. So together and so in synch. It's a special connection that can only be felt with that special someone. I want to take this time to thank the 2 special someones in my life and dedicate this entire blog and all entries on it to them.

So without further ado, Thank you to my higher power and to my MM for everything. God is good, life is good and I love, love...

When I told the officer that the whole scene was a déjà vu out of a dream-, he looked at me like I was crazy. Then he started in again with questions. He became very agitated with me when I informed him I had a friend and lawyer on the way from Phoenix. That was nothing compared to his anger when I refused a uds. I told him I had passed the field tests and since there was no DRE (drug recognition expert) available, I felt he was harassing me. I was done playing. I told him over and over, I was not drunk or high and that I was suffering anxiety and why I was having an attack. But this guy had a hard-on for the DUI. BTW-Hi officer! When he was inventorying my purse contents, he saw my cards and asked if the were my biz cards and then he smirked when I replied yes. I then said, why don’t you look me up on the net and see who you are arresting. He rolled his eyes and gave me the –you are crazy look. Am I so crazy now officer? I also told you I’d be out within hours - huh. Anyways, I was strip searched and put in a special observation cell. I had told them I was kinda famous and I knew some important folks that would not have me stay the night in their facility. The staff thought I was delusional. If there is one thing I have learned- it is never try to argue or fight with the police or guards- you will never win even if you are 100 % in the right. Now, all I wanted was to call MM. I wanted to hear his voice more then anything I had ever wanted. I longed for him and cried out his name. An officer tried to call him 2 times for me. He used the opportunity to preach God to me, and I did agree with what he said. Then I was transferred to my new cell with a new roommate. She used a garden hoe to beat a man to a pulp. She seemed to like me and she even stated I looked familiar to her and she thought she knew me. (I have a strong Internet presence and sometimes when people see me –they are just remembering seeing me off the net in their subconscious minds and just can’t seem to place me.) All of the gals in E pod were basically man haters and were attempting to convince me that MM was denying and blocking my many collect calls to him. I felt abandoned and so alone. It is a horrid way to feel. When the gals returned to the pod from AA, I decided to try just one last time and OMG- MM picked up. I was so happy and relief came over me. He said he was on his way and had the three grand cash to bond me out! I had some hope for the first time since they brought me in on bogus charges. Then it hit me- he was putting it all on the line for me. His wife, job, sanity, finances, everything. FOR ME! SOMEBODY ACTUALLY REALLY CARED! What a feeling! OMG! I went from one extreme to the other. From total alone to having a special someone that had my back when the shit was deep. He was not even mad about the car! Now, earlier in the day, Big Mike made the trip up and attempted a bond out but 3 g’s is a lot and he ended up going back with out me. But the fact he came and came fast was cool. He even helped chip in 500 of the bond money-THANKS MIKE. Between the two of them-, my faith in all men has been restored. I also trust my MM 100 %. This is a huge deal like you just don’t know. I ended up falling asleep on the top bunk for what I thought was a several hours but only two. Them a guard came to the cell door and told me to “get your ass up, somebody just paid a lot of money to get you out of here. Move it!” I did not argue and rolled up. One thing that still bugs me is they made me trash a workbook type thing that I had been writing notes to MM in all day. I feel like they stole my thoughts and feelings. Damn. Then they returned property and I changed out. They sent me packing- “have fun as they threw me out into the dark Arizona desert. MM was still in the front lobby. I called him on the cell. He came out into the parking lot with a red rose in hand. Do u fucking believe it. He is sooo sweet. (That red rose is on my desk and it is very symbolistic to me so it will remain where it is 4ever!) I was so happy and we hugged. He had brought Cherry coke, candy, and all of my favs. Usually I crave soda and ciggy’s when I get out- this time I craved MM. We drove my p.o.s. car back to my incall and we talked about some serious stuff till 5a.m.. Thank god I have him in my life.

Now my arraignment is soon and I need a lawyer, as the charge is at least a 10-day sentence. I do think I can beat it as I was not impaired and they fucked up on a lot of shit. But until then- I guess I got a few things out of this ordeal, I can share with you.

1. I did not realize I was OK with dying-no fear when it came down to it.

2. MM really loves me.

3. I have an appreciation for some things I was bitching about like, the San Diego trip.

4. I have a special someone that cares and is willing to put himself in harms way-take that bullet for me without any hesitation. What an incredible feeling!!!

5. In addition, I really have to make some changes and make some better choices b4 I die too soon........

My Dream came true. See blog entry of August 04.

Yesterday morning I was to meet with a client ½ way between Phoenix and Flag. I had a flat and I barrowed MM’s car.
I was very tired. I had not got much sleep the previous night. (The usual Anxiety and Insomnia.) Just outside of Phoenix, I nodded off. The car started to veer off the highway into the median. The noise woke me and I was able to get the vehicle back on the road. But, I guess I over-corrected. Lucky for me – no others cars were near. I skidded across 3 lanes and went down the embankment on the other side of the highway. The car was spinning out of control as objects were flying around the backseat area. It was like time was in slow motion I thought I was going to die as gravity was pushing and pulling my body. As the Toyota continued to spin in circles taking out bushes and trees. I hit a rather large tree and as I held on tight to the steering wheel- I said “this is it.” I was actually ok with dying. I just wanted it to be fast and I was bummed that it was going to be in the drivers seat of MM’s car. Then the car stopped and it was like time was normal again. I smelled smoke and I knew I needed to get out of the car. Only 1 passer by –an off duty firefighter-stopped. He called for help. I was freaking out and had a big time anxiety attack. But I was ok. The Toyota did not fair so well. My 1^st instinct was to run off as I did not want to deal and my anxiety was taking me over. One of the things I learned in counseling was to remove myself from the anxiety producing situation. I started making calls and my client I was to rendezvous with told me –leaving the scene of an accident was not a good idea. Even though I was tripping out I listened and my next call was to MM. I told him to sit down. He was in a state of shock. He said he had a meeting and had to go. I was hurt cuz he did not even ask if I was ok. Did he not realize the seriousness of the words I was telling him? Anxiety levels jump and the Highway Patrol officer was standing on the road above me. He asked me questions and quickly came to the conclusion I was impaired. I tried to tell him this was not the case and I was having a full blown anxiety attack. I was arrested and placed in the back of a patrol car. It was at least 110 out and I was sweltering. I passed the field sobriety tests but he was concerned cuz my eyes were fluttering. (My sheer panic, tears, mascara, the flying nats, hot sun and dust in the wind would make it impossible to not squint and omg yes –my eyes were fluttering. So, I was taken to jail, arrested and locked behind bars. Now the interesting thing is, I was surrounded by concrete and he was quick to announce that I was DUI. All the men in the jail looked at me in disgust. Then the fire alarms went off. They were working on the entire fire system in the jail. The alarms were so loud I had to cover my ears. Doors slammed shut and I felt like a trapped rat. Does this sound familiar? Weird huh. I have to end here but tomorrow I will finish this story- it truly has an unbelievable ending In the meantime –what do u think about my little dream….

I'm Back

And so is the hot pink font! Yeah!
Ok Clarification time. My girl had the money the whole time. She somehow missplaced the money and was a little on the paranoid side. They both apologized to me but it still hurt knowing the fact she thought I stole from her. She denies this. ..
I flew back to Phoenix this evening - hot on my lovers heels. We then played a game of airport hide n go seek (he found me and I think all is well.)
I guess I did not do too bad- the entire trip is paid for (could be way WAY worse!)
Oh, I saw my 1pm and it felt good as I did what I said I was gonna do. (this always takes folks by surprise when a working girl is a working women of her word!)
I got Wendy 1/2 way paid off. (Hey- I just noticed - no emotioncons on blogger-huh).
Now I just need A VACATION FROM MY VACATION! So much to do and I am major overwhelmed! I also feel like my life once again has changed. (my kid moved out and I have other stressors!)
They say a good cum works well for this type of thing. (see ya in the am!)

ok Dude-here it is in a nutshell.....

The room I am sitting in is all white. The breeze coming off the ocean is blowing the sheer cotton curtains and I hear birds outside. The locals tell us that ithas never been this humid here. The room I am sitting in is a condo off the beach. I am already sweating and my hair is starting to frizz. I am on the floor and black mascara and tears are streaming down my face. It's surreal. I feel like I am in a movie or a dream. Actually, a nightmare would be a more accurate description. This trip is nothing like I had hoped or imagined it would be. I have been in San Diego for 6 days now. My purpose for traveling here was too make bank. I am behind in bills and this was a last ditch effort to re-coup. However, since I have been here, the money I made passed right thru my hands. The high cost of living here in Cali and some bad choices on my part have lead to me basically getting stuck here. Now. I could have left here a few days ago, but I promised a client that I don't even know, I would see him today at 1pm. I pride myself on honesty and integrity and being a women of my word. This man so desperately wants to meet me and I promised him I would not leave unless a natural disaster or a major catastrophe took place. So, in the last 24 hours, I had clients jerk me around in every way, shape and form. I was no longer able to stay in my kick ass hotel with the view of the marina. (That was the only thing keeping me sane.) I never went to the beach or even snapped 1 single pic. (I don't think I want to remember this shit anyways.) My lover that flew in on business on Sunday just got off the phone with me. We have broke up. (Were we ever really together-he is a married man...) My best friends boyfriend set me up last nite. He made it look like I stole money from her. (I would never in a million years do that!) I did not have the cash to bail out and get a room when this all went down. After my 1pm - I will be able to get a ride to the airport and take a flight back to Phoenix. So, I feel very very uncomfortable being here and my heart is broken. I think about the visions I had in my mind before I came here. The images of my lover and myself holding hands on the beach at sunset and then my big fantasy coming true. (From here to eternity.) Then I look over at myself in the mirrored closet doors and I burst into tears.

I will be home this afternoon-can somebody pick me up from Sky harbor?

Alone again without you...

Is it my imagination or is this color font not hot pink???? Well it is a beautiful night in Southern Cal. and here I sit in this awesome room with a romantic feel. I am looking out onto the harbor and the lights shinning off the water are so awesome. But 1 thing is amiss. I would trade it all in a heart beat to have the missing link in my San Diego chain. I was so at peace and relaxed just a short time ago, but the longer I sit and take in the stunning beauty of the marina-the more anxiety I feel. Tonight if you are lucky enough to be next to your special someone-no matter where you are or what you are doing-well, you are so very fortunate. Don't take it for granted - savor every sweet second and say a prayer to whomever you pray to giving thanks. I'm going to ease my pain now. Goodnight San Diego......

I can so relate...

In the brightest hour of my darkest day
I realized what is wrong with me
Can't get over you. can't get through to you
It's been a helter-skelter romance from the start
Take these memories that are haunting me
Of a paper woman cut into shreds by her own pair of scissors
She'll never forgive him...she'll never forgive him...
Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever
Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever
Sitting by a fire on a lonely night
Hanging over from another good time
With another boy... little dirty boy
You should listen to this story of a life
You're my hero-in this moment i'm lonely fulfilling my darkest dreams
All these drugs all these men

I'm never forgiven..this broken heart of mine
Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever
Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever
One last kiss before i go
Dry your tears, it is time to let you go
One last kiss
One last kiss before i go
Dry your tears, it is time to let you go
Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever
Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever
One last kiss before i go
Dry your tears, it is time to let you go
One last kiss before i go
Dry your tears, it is time to let you go
One last kiss

Untitled...

In my job and lately, in my personal life - I FUCK.
In my mind, there is no way possible to make love to a stranger. Even with a regular partner or someone you know very well, it is my experiance, that it is mostly a physical thing. A FUCK. Maybe a FUCK with a special someone that you love. BUT- yesterday my fuck buddy and I did not fuck.
WE MADE LOVE!
For the first time since I can remember, I had an encounter that words cannot describe. I can't do this blog entry or that magical few hours justice by trying to tell you what it was all about. I can however, tell you that at this very moment, I feel like a new women. Christians talk about being "born again". I think I have been re-born if that makes any sense. I feel happy for the first time in a long long time. I was looking in the mirror and I litterally have a glow. The physical sensation from 12 hours ago is still alive in my entire body!
Now, I don't know what made yesterday's "session" different. It started out the same with the same guy doing the same sexy things. I was ultra turned on as he has this little thing he does that gets me going every time! Maybe it was the way he has been looking into my eyes and telling me he loves me, or the way he has been treating me so special and all the little things he has been doing outside the bedroom for me recently? I am not sure what happened, but IT happened. It's funny - they claim only half of all women have ever had an orgasm. I am lucky to be in the half that knows what that feels like and I have to have it at least one time a day. (I have a big sex drive for a female- I am actually in my sexual prime due to my age.) But you would think I just had my first or something! I don't know what the hell is going on but I am still floating on a cloud and I feel different. Every aspect of my being-mind, body and soul is changed! INCREDIBLE!
But, now he is on his way and I am sitting here typing away and wondering- how do we top that one? (Yes - females have performance anxiety too!) What if the next time is just ordinary-which is great as well but, what are his expectations? What if, what if, what if......
And the real kicker - I am sure beyond a shadow of a doubt, I am in love with this man and that means I am vulnerable to him. Fuck, shit, damn, hell! This one can actually break my heart! Oh God what have I done- I had vowed to never ever let myself get to this place. (truth be known- I have never gone this far with my heart- ever!)
FUCK - FUCK - FUCK no wait - LOVE - LOVE - LOVE!!!

Dream a little Dream....

I had a dream. In my Dream I was dreaming. I was in a bed in the middle of a big room. The kitty Kats were on the bed with me. It was an institution, perhaps a military instillation or a prison. Concrete walls and on the upper tear, men marched by single file. They peered thru a small window looking down on me. One by one, they violated me with their eyes. You walked by but looked at me in disgust. You kept walking.... I ran out thru the same corridor but you had vanished. I was chasing after a ghost. I was so scared. I screamed out your name over and over. I called out "help me- oh God please!" I ran down another hallway frantic. My search leads to no avail and I am now lost in a maze. I feel as if many are observing me, but I see no one. Then - a loud buzzing alarm and doors start slamming shut all around me. I must cover my ears as the noise is deafening. I am trapped. Trapped like a rat. It is a dream that I cannot wake from. I am in a semi-conscience state, trying like hell to wake! The more aroused I become -I feel myself thrashing about the bed and yelling out. I wake and my heart hurts. I sit up fast grabbing my chest and look around reality. My kittens are all snugs on the bed. You are not here in reality either. I get up and fight the sandman. I ponder what this all means........

Sleepers anyone?

OK- yesterday's entry by "FiFi" should have gone on the 360 blog. I forgot -this blog is for the deep stuff! Really sorry. So tonite as you can see by my post time, I have insomnia. I also think I have IBS. Fucking Really-No shit (no pun intended). What else, well- my mind is kinda all over the map tonite. Wendy, my house and kid, MM, California, money or lack of, Richard who is a breath away from returning to jail, omg I have to go. I have to get ready for a client. Yes at 2a.m. I am too scattered to do this anyways. I will post another entry if I can get it together mentally and focus on at least 1 or 2 things. lol Thanks for understanding .

Guest Blogger of the Week

Fi Fi the cat...
Meow, I am FiFI and I am such the Miss Pris. But, I do snore real loud! (Don't tell)
I am lucky to live at a real incall! I have seen it all. The other day, my Mistress Brittney was on the phone. I overheard her conversation with a client. He wanted to F*** Dolly. (Dolly is a big plastic human or a doll as the humans call her). Mistress had a strange but funny look on her face. As Miss Britt was checking her machine she sits in front of, I heard her comment to one of the Masters that a guy had contacted her friend and wanted them to do a burdizzo on him. Miss Britt and her alpha slave had really funny looks on their faces! After some discussion they decided he was a nut-no pun intended . I am learning much about human sexuality. Us Kat Klan members are in it for the baby kitty kats and that is about it. (procreation I think it is called). Anyways, I love to sleep under My Mistress Britts costume rack. She has 121 of them hanging on that thing. Sometimes me and my brother play with them and she gets really really mad at us. Another favorite activity is tearing up the paper on the medical exam table. I also am into digging at the rugs and when mistress attempts to make the bed-I am there to tear that up too! Meow! Well, in closing I'd like to meow- It is never a dull moment and I am blessed to live at this fun and exciting and meow-weird place. I would not trade it for the world!!!

Murpheys Law??? or Just plain ole Bad Luck???

HMMM, Today is quickly shaping up to be one of the worst days of my life. BTW- it's tradition to write my blog in my favorite color (pink) unless I am feeling depressed or angry. Today I am both. Why you ask? Well,
1. My lover is "frustrated" with me. He never gets "mad". We ended up having a "debate" this am. I have an anger management issue and lets just say things got ugly.
2. I have been sick for the last month. I can't seem to completely kick the "stomach virus" the er diagnosed me with 3 weeks ago. What fun!
3. I actually did some number crunching and my "friends" are costing me upwards of a grand a month. So, I have begun the cycle of cutting them off. One friend was told to "back off" by MM. He has done nothing but text and call me. I am insulted at this total disrespect for MM and myself. When MM speaks - that is the way it is whether I agree or not. (I fully agree in this case.)
4. Richard has once again "manipulated" me. He currently has my car and will not respond to my queries about when the vehicle will be returned. NIce huh?
5.Yahoo has just deleted my 360 page which had my popular blog on it. (One of the reasons I am also doing this blog) Those fucks have no clue what the 5th amendment means. I guess the Yahoo tos outranks the american constitution!
Of course I dont have much of it backed up. When will I learn? They do this shit about every 4-6 months. Wonder if Blogger plays the same "game"????

Well, one good thing did come of the deletion of my 360 blog - MM called me and we made up. Thanks Yahoo - fuck my thoughts, feelings and hard work off into cyberspace with the simple click of a button cuz today you assholes brought me and my MM back together and losing the blog is a small price to pay!!!!!!!

How I feel right now...

STAIND LYRICS

"It's Been A While"

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

And it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day!

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry

"Bad Company till the Day I Die" Oh Yeah la la la

My "friends", and I use that term loosely, have really been mooching a lot more then usual. Now I know times are tough, but how come everybody cums to me to support ciggy habits, money, borrowing pornos that I never get back, and other assorted moochable things. The kicker is when times are tough for me- nobody is around. I had to tell someone yesterday that I had only 1 ciggy left and since I am a pretty hardcore nic addict - I was not sharing. He looked at me in total disbelief. I felt terrible about not even letting him have a puff but fuck, it's never ending. I am also sick of these "friends" coming by and messing up the place and guess who gets to clean it up? The thing that freaks me out the most is my guy "friends" will walk in my bedroom-pop in a porno and kick it on my bed without even asking "Brittney, is it OK if I participate in this totally inappropriate behavior?" OMG- I would never go to someones house and just walk in and start watching a porn! I guess cuz I am a working girl, that makes it OK to act out sexually in my place? This has happened on more then 1 occasion and more then 1 "friend " has done this. Blows me away. Well I always tell people I know every freak and broke ass mother fucker in Phoenix. Let me give you an example. My "friend" A was over and I told him to leave. He passed out cold in my bed with a porno going. I thought he was making that last potty break before hitting the road. NOPE! So I ran the vacuum, dishwasher, and washer. He finally woke up and asked what time it was. (it was almost 6am) I had told him the nite before that I has a 6am appt. So that shows a blatant disregard for me and my client. I actually got in the shower for at least a 1/2 hour. I told him my bad-ass mean-ass ex was on his way by and I thought he would get the hint. I got out of the shower with a towel wrapped around me. Thinking he was long gone I walked out into the office for a ciggy. There was A. - all smiles and staring at me in my little red towel. I was so pissed. Si just like always I had to have a major freak-out and be a Bitch to get him the fuck out. Then I am the bad- guy- me!!! So the abuse has once again gotten so bad that I have hung a closed sign up and will not be having any "friends" over for some time. Too bad as I get lonely but no company is better then Bad company!

What you see is what you get....

On the 360 Blog today, I talked about what it is REALLY like to be a service provider. On this Blog I am gonna tell ya what it is REALLY like to be me..

I sit here broke and dope sick. I made over 500 bucks yesterday but I am behind in bills. Once I get it-it's gone bye. Just that easy. The hard part is trying to figure out who to give it to as I seem to be in debt to all. It has taken me all day to get up and get made up into Brittney. The incall is still a mess. I have little to no energy as I am not feeling well. I need to get high. But my guy has been fucking me around. He went out of town anyways. I think I will go see a close friend on the North side a little later. If I can make the long drive - they will take care of me. I am so hungry. I have a potential client in 2 hours. That is money but money already spent. I am depressed. I usually chat with my lover IM or text. But we have not been on the same page lately. I am sure to fuck that up as I tend to sabatoge all my relationships. Now are you totally depressed after reading this? I don't want to bring you down but this is where I am and the intent of this blog is to be real. Once you get to know me, you will see that I am as real as a girl can get. Some times that is good - sometimes not. You can be the judge of that.

Empty Nest

On my 360 blog I kinda made a joke out of all of this, but the truth be known – it’s no laughing matter…

My daughter is leaving the nest to go live with her father. I feel like I have truly failed as a parent. I am feeling so much guilt and pain. I spent the last few hours going over what I could have, would have and should have done different. The main thing being my occupation. I feel like maybe if I had done something else, she would not be going at this time.

At first I thought since I made so much more money and her standard of living greatly increased, it was all ok. But the last year I have been struggling financially and emotionally. A lot of stressors have me beat down when just 1 year ago, I was on top of the world. My self-esteem has taken some serious blows. One after another after another. Now this. I never even saw it coming and I am not sure what to do but let her know I love her so much.

The other problem this poses is the clean up and major redeco and sale of the house. I have MM and he is helping, which I praise God for. It’s just the fear of the unknown. What will happen next, where will I be moving? I have some ideas, but I guess only time will tell what my future holds

Shhh. It's a secret

Ok, I have been reading up on blogs and I see that many people do several blogs at a time. So, I have decided to not only continue my popular blog on Yahoo 360 but do one here as well. But, this blog will be my little secret. I have to censor myself on 360 to a certain extent due to the staff monitoring my blog and my people that read it. So this blog will be totally me. UNCENSORED! My true thoughts and feelings. I will not advertise it. So if you stumble upon it, shhhhh, it's a secret!