thanks for reading....

Hi everybody, for the time being I am discontinuing this blog. I am going to start a new blog on www.phxasp.com -hopefully that will feed to my websites and Yahoo 360. (I will keep jotting my thought s on my yahoo 360 blog as well) Sorry 4 inconvenience. Thanks for reading this blog and u never know when it will get going again- see ya in the blogosphere!

Do u hve the answers???

Sometimes life is so unfair. Fuck - it is down right cruel. So I question, God, mankind, science, technology, lady luck, karma, the cards, genetics and my family tree. I also question, reality, philosiphy, my mental state and my spirital state of being. Hhhh, Questioning the senses, great works of literature, and the word on the street too. I QUESTION...

my buddy

MM has been away on biz. I am his tripping wife, but I could not go this time. I miss him so much. He is my last thought when I close my eyes and drift off into dreamland. He is always the 1st thing that pops into my mind when I wake. My days are consumed with him. Every passing second of every hour of every day is MM. He is my best friend and the only person I trust 100% besides my Mom. I am lost without him. This trip is weird cuz he is so far away and very busy. With all these high tech ways of communications - I have only heard the sound of his voice a few times I am starting to get sick. Its kinda like being homesick. I know I got it bad 4 him. The last few weeks I have gotten very close emotionally n now it's like he has died or something. I do feel like I lost my best friend. I am hanging on and he should return 2day. It scares me how attached I have become and this one could really fuck me up in my head and break my heart. God I hope things work out for us. Anyways I guess as Garth B says - sometimes you gotta feel a lil pain to enjoy the dance.

Blast from the past

Wow- so much change in my life and all at once. I hate to sound cliche' but when it rains it pours.
Now I am sitting at this computer on a fine and glorious Saturday afternoon and my mind is one big cluster fuck of like 20 or so racing thoughts- so here is a Brittney's Blast from the past (that's an old blog entry yahoo deleted). So since I can't keep a fucking train of thought-

Entry for November 15, 2006

You

I love your hugs. I don't want to let go. The other nite you made me feel something inside that I forgot even existed. "That" feeling. You know the one. Warm and Tingly inside. Mouth watering, all the hairs on my head standing on end. Heart racing, (no - this is not an anxiety attack)! Better then ANY drug, (do u believe I am saying that)? But just like a drug - "that" feeling comes to an end. You have to leave and I pull away just wanting to scream! I can't look at you as it now is very painful inside. I turn as you pull my front door closed behind you. I can't help but notice you didn't look at me either. I just sit and finish cuming down from u. I think about how far you are on the freeway home and when will I get to feel your touch, smell you, hear your voice???

I dream about you and try not to call you. But I break down and dial the #. VM. I watch the time tick by slowly until its "our time" and then I start to feel "that" feeling again..............

hey schoolgirl!

Its not done yet-but take a sneak peak-www.schoolgirlbrittney.com

pretty women?

MY depression is getting worse day by day. I have been waiting for Richard (not my Richard) 2 cum rescue me. He is here but I don't understand what is taking him so long. I know this is not like the movies but shit! What are u waiting for - take me away! I am not going to last too much longer. Something has gotta give. Please Baby, plz.

I feel like I am regressing. I am supposed to be taking baby steps 4ward not leaps n bounds backwards. I am not too upset cuz I have learned to never have expectations. That way it's not as bad when shit turns to shit. I am becoming more depressed so sorry if this is on the negative side. Hey - at least I am back on my fav. computer. (Trying to be positive.)
Anyways - MM said to make this list,
Why I think I am regressing-
1.bad luck
2.people fucking me over
3.caught in a vicious cycle
4.me not pushing hard enough - letting others influence me
5.making bad moves with finances.
OK honey - here is your list. What do u think... (be nice)

Baby cum home

Baby- my mama kitty ran way yesterday.
Maybe she is making her way to Richard as she likes
him the best ( he saved her and I think she knows it.)
I will go up to the pound a little later.

CC-my baby, told me a few days ago -everything is cool. Yesterday she called and sounded upset. I just wish she would cum home where she belongs...

MM- finally returning late today- I missed you so Baby!

well 1/3 ain't bad...

Feel the Energy!

Addendum-
my "putrid day" did not go down the drain-my drain has a serious clog so my day did NOT wash away! Oh No- it pooled up around my ankles as the Playboy bunny on the shower curtain just looked at me with a blank expression on its face. So much for fucking Energy...
BUT WAIT-
The next a.m. I went to court. MM called it right on the head! I swear he has a crystal ball. CASE DISMISSED! Wow ! Turns out they had no evidence (doh- I was not DUI-just having a panic attack like I told them over and over again that day.) And the cop really fucked up on a lot of shit. Like I said- he had a big hard-on to get me behind bars! So it seems to me, he was slightly overzealous and made mistake after mistake. So I did not even have to enter the court room!
Now that's some fucking energy!

down the drain. . .

I smell real bad. Have you ever smelled death? It is a very distinct odor. Very Foul. I wore death today instead of the usual flowery feminine scent . I made a pretty damn fucking good attempt to save a kitty that was in a hit and run. When I picked up his limp bloody body, that smell got on me along with other assorted body fluids. Then try adding some sweat and tears as I moved from one storage to another during the heat of the hot Arizona day due to the fuck ups of others. A virtual potpourri of aroma topped off by the ever popular - ode DE la house that should be condemned! What a fucking fragrance. So I am oh so ready to jump in the shower and wash the putrid day away. But - the shower is so fucking disgusting! OMG! What the fuck happened here??? But instead of more tears I have been given some + energy Baby and it is time to buck up. I am going to take pleasure and pride as this day goes down the drain and leaves a brand new me to sparkle and shine!

Letters from Me...

A very close buddy of mine suggested I write a letter as a therapeutic intervention. So, I am blogging it cuz it is me who needs some good ol' fashioned letting go and letting God! Now I am supposed to be writing to my kid but, I am taking it just a step further cuz I just gotta get some shit off of my chest...
Letter #1-
Hey Boo, I really really miss you. This is the longest we have ever been apart. Don't you miss me and the Gramster? What about home and the kitty's and C and C? My b-day is coming up and it's almost time to put up the Halloween decos. Me and Will were going thru all that shit last week. He was tripping on all the stuff we have. Will said "You guys got enough for your own haunted house- yaaa yaa ya man!" Then he goes " you must have been such a cool Mom- so fun and cool - like the Mom everybody always wanted - yaaa yaa ya man!" But as I continue to sort and trash and pack I can not help but notice- you took nothing that I gave you for the last few years. NOTHING- all the trinket and gifts are left behind. It is as if you want no memory of us? It is so hard- the place is really fucked up but that is not your fault- it's mine. I am sorry, but then on the other hand - you really did not have it that bad and you need to stop acting like a little bitch to me. I have feelings to ya know. I disliked and disrespected Gramster for a spell when I was around 15, but I was not near as spiteful as you. It is like a knife in the heart - a pain like no other. Don't you see you are setting the pace for our future? Fucking stop it and grow the fuck up. Cum on, stop being pissed at the world and stop torturing me! Don't you know I love you so much and I miss the fuck out of you little girl! My little Boo Girl...You will always be my little Boo Girl....

Letter # 2 -
Richard, why don't you just let me go. Again I feel tortured. I see you regressing and you really scared me the other day. Plus, I am so very angry with you as you have done it again... Just when I need you the most, you have failed me. I am tired of suffering. Suffering is bad enough but to suffer alone is torment. Fuck you! You are abusive and I can and I am doing so much better. Too bad he can't be here with me thru this long lonely night, so I continue to write...

Letter # 3 -
Will- sorry I got mad at you tonight. I guess I was a little disappointed when I walked in and sometimes I wonder about how much sense you got left. ( I know we fried a lot of cells over the years but fuck man!) I would love to know what goes thru your mind sometimes-cuz you blow mine! I don't want to sever our relationship bud, but man - you are driving me fucking nuts! Get it together and start being a friend, It's like any relationship - give and take. I feel like I am the one doing all the giving. I need some take sometimes too - don't you guys see that? Do you guys even give a fuck? ? ?

Letter # 4-
A positive letter for the positive one in my life, (you know who you are.)
Wheeew, I hope all this blogging does some good. You know how passive - aggressive I am. I mean I should really be talking to these guys face to face, but for some reason, I turn the other cheek and my blood begins to boil. Then you gotta hear about it- deal with it and clean up the mess on top of it! I thank my lucky Arizona September Night Stars above for you being in my life. Would you like to step out on the patio and have a beer with me?

Some things NEVER change

Things like people and their behaviors. I have lost hope...

OMG, my house should be condemned!

Now that I have acquired a state of the art climate controlled secure storage unit, tonight I started going through shit at the house. Sorting and packing and trashing. I can not stop sneezing from the dust and dirt. What a job - as if I do not have enough going on. And, lets not forget the memories. Some happy and some sad. My old kitty . Will thinks something is wrong with her. It is very strange whenever I would go there - it was like I had died. All of my stuff sat there collecting dust and the old kitty meowed but I was not around- its as if I was a ghost. Its so hard - but it must be done. A friend pointed out to me - its time to move on. I am actually looking forward to the next stage of my life. I am an official empty nester. It was weird as hell at first, but now I am enjoying the quiet and peace. (My kid was very popular and she also liked to party - so I had every frigging teenager in town trashing my house at some point in the last few years!Oh yeah!!) I found mementos from a psychotic ex and from grandma who passed on almost 2 years ago. I also found my other granmoms silver and a super sexy pirate costume that I forgot about! Yeah- this is going to be real real interesting to say the least.....

Relationship 101

That is the class I need. You see I know a lot about guys and what makes them tick- If you need man advice ask - DEAR Brittney! But when it comes to my own - it seems all I do is fuck up. Weird huh? Case in point -

This a.m., I was a real CUNT - yes CUNT, to my S.O. Now, he will not speak to me. It pretty much sucks and I am not sure what to do???

So, I guess I will "feel the energy" and wait it out. I made the 1st - I am sorry move, so hopefully he will make the - I forgive you move, and I can learn from this....

NOT AGAIN!

UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE! Another car accident- WTF? This time in my car but hey- not my fault! My neighbors were backing out of the garage as I was driving down the street. Ya u guessed it. The side of my car is all caved in- did not fair so well against the seemingly impaired lady in the big SUV. My poor back. The car is a pos and now its a pos with a passenger side door that wont open. This time NO JAIL! I did not want to get into that. I can't deal with a trip to the slam right now so, I guess one more dent wont hurt and hey- my back is fucked deluxe anyways! That lady hit the right person and it's her lucky day!

The Az. Fetish Queen

My new name. It's given to me by a favorite client that used it in a header on an ad. The title is a compliment and it is fast being used in the Fetish community. Goddess. I recently started offering Tantric massages. Worship Goddess Brittney. Pay tribute to Goddess Brittney. And the other day a client went on and on about his obsession with me. A true fan. Now all of this is really flattering but it's hard dealing with fame. I kinda have a cult following on the net where I am like a big time movie star or some other famous celebrity. Don't get me wrong - I love it. But, I am not really sure how to deal with it. When I go out in public, I get recognized more and more. I always get really shy. That is probably not good. I have a friend that is kinda famous in his own right. Not long ago I went to him and asked how he dealt with fame- his response was - "I just deal with it." ... Ok now what do I do?????????

www.schoolgirlbrittney.com

God, I am so overwhelmed. I decided to do my next website myself. I am far from being a webmaster so you can just imagine! But the satisfaction of doing it on my own is so great! It has done wonders for my self-esteem an looks pretty damn good too! I am going to publish it to the web this weekend-even if I am not done. I have had a lot of people inquire about it and things are going to get super busy with my move at the end of the month. So as Nike says = I might as well
just do it.

My buddy was just over. He had his kid with him. The cutest lil' towhead. It took me back in time. A time when things were so much simpler. I remember when she was that age- a 5 year kindergartner. It was October and for Halloween they did a costume contest. She was so excited. Today, my daughter has major depressive disorder and is on drugs, so it is seldom I see her smile. Hell, I seldom even see her at all. Anyways, we went shopping and she picked her outfit for the big event. This was the 1st Halloween I did not dress her. In fact, this was a year of many firsts. It's so fun to watch them grow. It is true - they are all grown up and gone in a blink of an eye. So there she was - Barbie Bride. She was so pretty. I remember she did not brush her platinum blonde long hair so well. (Today, hundreds of dollars are spent on the do and she is meticulous when it comes to "the hair".) So, there she was in her long white gown and matching veil looking ever so stunning, even with her stringy hair hanging down in her face. (She had bangs back then.) Everybody thinks their kid is the prettiest or has the best costume or whatever-right? Well- MINE WAS and she did win the prize for Best Female Kindergarten Costume. She was so happy and so proud as was her mother. I wish I would have relished in those times more. I miss them so...

Sayings I like...

You laugh at me because I’m different, I laugh at you because you’re all the same. - Unknown

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem

My Reality Check bounced

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned

But Your Honor.......

I promised someone I go to bed early and 11:55p.m. is very early for me-but a real fast entry to say I am going to my arraignment in am-wish me luck! Thanks everybody for your love and support!!!